humbled.

i can pinpoint the moment. the exact moment i turned to disobedience instead of obedience. and its all because of a dream.

i've gone back and forth on whether to share this particular dream that has set me off on a path i didn't intend on being on again. the few times i've shared it with friends, their reactions were enough to confirm the decision i made. and it wasn't the right one.

i can recall every moment of this dream, some 2 weeks later. the events of the dream and the intense emotion that i experienced in the dream. and because of that i turned and ran. as fast as i could. i spirled down, getting close to hitting bottom again. crap.

in my dream, i'm at work, standing outside of the securities closet. i'm busy doing work, putting away new materials and checking the old ones to make sure they were up to date. i can picture it so clearly. in walks a woman. her name is cindy smith. this woman, who i haven't seen or talked to in months, is a woman of God. she walks up to me and says these words, "What are you doing? Why are you here?" I tell her I'm working, this is my job. She proceeds with, "You know thats not what I mean by my questions. You aren't doing what God has called you to do. You aren't doing what you're suppose to be doing. Why aren't you doing what you know you're suppose to be doing? Why are you running?" she then walks off and i'm completely and utterly speechless. she hit something. a cord deep down in my soul. something buried. something i've neglected. even as i awoke from the dream, these feelings and thoughts all came crashing in.

i had a choice to make. follow God and seek Him on what it meant or get scared and run as fast as i can the other way. guess what i did?

which led me to today. after having my sin, because lets call it what it is, brought to the surface, i then had another decision to make. it was time to either turn back or keep running. guess which one i picked today?

i can't explain to you what was flowing through my head and heart, after spending some much needed time with my Lord. he led me not once but twice back to some notes in my journal from a previous beth moore conference i went to. the words He would have me read almost stood out from the rest and here is what they were:

~Am I letting the Word that God gave me, be proven true so that it can be fulfilled in timing? Or will I allow the opportunity to be lost because of sin and stubborness?

~My faith is strategic to my freedom. What I believe will either set me free or hold me in hostage.

~Do I know (and believe) that Jesus loves me?

~The cure for anxiety is prayer. Am I turning to prayer when I get anxious?

~Immaturity insists that life feel good. (ouch.)

~What God has placed in me to do, will demand perservance. Hang in there, it's going to take time.

~Don't have spiritual ADD.

i rolled off the couch, humbled and so very very thankful to the God we serve.