balance

I was reminded the other day of my dream to be a ballerina. I loved everything pink and girly and the thought of gliding through the air ever so gracefully brought excitement and anticipation. I wanted to be the best. I was four and I distinctively remember the day my mom called to sign me up. I was so excited and nervous. I didn't know how to do anything, not knowing that they would teach me what I needed to know. I remember being on my toes and falling. Everytime I tried, I would fall. I began to cry. I told mom that I couldn't do it. I couldn't be a ballerina. As my mom was on the phone with the office to sign me up, I had a realization I didn't want to do it if I couldn't do it right.

Even as a kid, I had a problem with balance. I've been an extremist for as long as I can rememer. I want to do everything perfectly or I don't want to do it at all. This doesn't work so well in an imperfect world. It also doesn't work with an imperfect being. Somewhere along the way I equated doing my best with being perfect. So many times, I get frustrated and angry because I can't do something. And then I just give up. I can't move on. I become stuck and I miss so much because I can't move past the need to do it right. Everything becomes a chore instead of an enjoyment.

The lesson I need the most prayer on is balance. How to find it and maintain it, how to successfully live a life of balance in all areas of my life. I did in fact sign up for ballet. I lasted through one season and never picked it up again. It makes me kind of sad when I think about the opportunities missed but I look forward to the future with the hope that I can find a balance and enjoy it.