waiting. and more waiting.

hurry up and wait.

thats how i feel. i rush through things to rush through them then God stops me and says, wait.

eww. no one likes to wait. no one likes to be told not right now. i've been in and out of a season of waiting for awhile. i keep taking myself out of the season (in case you're wondering.. its not a good idea to remove yourself). why do i have such a hard time being still and waiting. good things always come out of me waiting for them. but i can never get that in my head while i'm in the process of waiting.

i'll be honest. i hate waiting. i think i've been conditioned to getting what i want when i want it. not so with God. with God, i'm learning its about the process. the journey of waiting and learning through it. not what i like to hear but its the message i keep getting.

let me start at the beginning. gosh, it's been almost year that i knew God was calling me into a season of waiting. into a season of cave dwelling. a season of transition and transformation. i entered reluctantly but did it. i took myself out of unhealthy circles. i isolated myself so i could spend more time with Jesus and more time learning about myself. and boy oh boy did i learn a thing or two. but i came out to soon. and went back to where i started, back into the places i didn't fit.

constantly, i'm running back to what i know even though it doesn't fit for me. its out of comfort. its out of a i don't know what else to do and i'm incredibly lonely. but eveytime i would try to make myself fit where i didn't belong, it didn't work. i would get frustrated and angry. and slowly or sometimes not so slowly fall into the pit that i worked so hard to get out of. because i'm not yielding to his plan. OUCH.

the last episode happened not to far in the past and really sent me reeling. combined with stress from job and living situation, i fell hard and fast. and boy was i mad. why do i keep doing the things i know not to do but yet never do what i know i need to do? i can really relate to Paul.

so what do i do? i feel like im going to be waiting forever. but i know if i don't do this wait thing well, i'm probably never going to get where i need to go. i'm like a butterfly that came out of the cocoon too early. one half of my body has been transformed into something amazingly beautiful. ive done the work, i've waited well but then i came out to early. i've got a caterpillar butt and it doesn't look quite right.

Waiting.. "It means descending into self, into God, into the deeper labyrinths of prayer. It involves listening to disinherited voices within, facing the wounded holes in the soul, the denied and undiscovered, the places one lives falsely. It means struggling with the vision of who we really are in God and molding the courage to live that vision."

-from When the heart waits by Sue Monk Kidd

I want to wait and i want it to be like this.