church.

i've been struggling a lot with the concept of church. having been raised in the same church my entire life, i've never really thought much about church. it is part of who i am. a rich history of being raised in church. don't get me wrong, i love that i was raised in church and that i can say i've known about God my whole life. (and i do realize i said about God, and not just God) i've been a church girl. and its not a bad thing. its just a thing. everything in my life revolved around being in the church. my social life, my serving life, my giving, my breathing. all been done in the church. who might be saying, and? or you might say, i hear a but coming. and its coming...

but i'm not in the church right now. i'm not actively involved anywhere. i'm kinda of drifting. hoping to land somewhere. semi-searching and seeking for where God wants me next. and you know part of me wants to take a break from church. not from God or deepening my walk with Him but church. i'm frustrated with the church. i'm frustrated walking into a church where people are pretending that life is great. that coming to know God will take away all the crap in your life and that you too can have a great big smile and cheery disposition. i'm looking for honesty and authenticity and i'm realizing that while i want to see that, i have to be willing to live it in my own life as well. which is a whole other subject for another day.

i'm a displaced, dissatisfied church girl. my whole world was wrapped up in a church and now that that isn't the case, my world seems to be crashing in around me. because i don't know who i am outside of the church walls. i don't know how to serve, give, have a life outside of those 4 walls. and i'm frustrated. not to get super spiritual but aren't we called to go beyond the church walls to serve. what the heck have i been doing with my life?!

i want to find authenticity in a church. i want to find a place to call home again. i want to make connections with people that go beyond the surface to where life is really lived. i'm sick of masks. i'm tired of pretending. i think i'm burnt out on church.

so i'm sitting here on the couch, early on a sunday morning knowing i have about 6 minutes left until i have to get up and leave to go to yet another church. and maybe i'm approaching this with the wrong attitude and i probably am. but theres this nudge thing going on in my spirit even though i have no desire to get up and go. i know i will.

i'll take a deep breath and head out the door.