quarter life crisis

i think i'm having a quarter life crisis. i'm too young to hit the mid-life but i'm about a quarter way through. which scares the pants off of me, might i add.

everywhere i turn people are telling me what i should be doing with my life. then they proceed to ask about a billion questions because my answers never satisfy. this has led me to withdraw into myself and tune out the world around me. i've crawled under a rock, hoping that life will figure itself out by the time i re-enter the land of the living. (and yes, i do realize this is not reality but for the time being it seems to be keeping me at some level of functioning.)

the truth is i have no idea what i want to do. and the thought that i can do anything in the world makes it that much harder for me. i don't want to do anything in the world, i just want to do one thing and i want to do it well.

but i don't know what IT is.

i have all sorts of advice coming in. just pick something, do it for a year and if you don't like it, pick something else. stay where you are. move to a new town and find something. be a receptionist. go back to school. find what you are good at and do that. get 2 jobs. keep making those phone calls.

and me? i'm paralyzed. i can't move forward into any of the advice given and most of it is pretty good stuff. the reply i often give to most people is, God's got something planned, i just gotta trust. which comes to what i really want to talk about today.

knowing what i believe. and this is the major quarter crisis i'm walking in the midst of. i'm lost in the vastness of what i know. i know the right words. the right songs. the right prayers. the right scriptures. the right actions. but does all this knowing really show the condition of my heart? probably not.

if i'm confused about my job search, i'm even more so confused about my God search. knowing and beleiving are completely different things. and while i know a lot about God, i don't know why i believe what i do. none of it seems real to me. somewhere at some point in time, i lost my way. i lost the fire. i lost the passion. i lost the meaning.

and it scares me that i'm in this place. because for the first time ever in life, all the knowing can't get me out of this. my knowing needs to fall away and i need it to just be belief. but i don't know how to do that. i so desperatly want a restart button. but i don't have one.

i don't know how to go on from here.