quiet

it's easy to forget the season you're in when you busy yourself with familiar things. when you start to make days routine and you begin to fill up your evenings with anything other than the silence that awaits you at home. you start doing things or calling people that you don't want to do but it beats the silence. you wonder how long it will take to feel "normal" again. you long for a community that you fit in. you long for a place to call home. but nothing feels right. you don't feel right. but you choose to ignore it. because if you ignore it, you won't feel it. and if you don't feel it, it won't hurt. until...

there's always an until. a God stopping until. He always provides it. and He does it because He loves you. you get tired of being the one that always calls. you get tired of being the one that always listens but never talks. never lets down whats building inside. and so it continues to build. but when you look around, there is no one there. because its not who you are suppose to hang out with anyway but they're not there and it hurts.

its a painful realization that you are where you are sometimes. a place of lonliness. a place of trying to do it alone. when you weren't created to go at it alone. until you have a day and realize that there is no one to call, there is no one to hang out. your schedule nevers matches theirs but it doesn't matter anyway. because you can't talk about whats going on. theres a block. and maybe you begin to realize that it's a God block. He doesn't want you to turn to others. He wants you to turn to Him. but it scares you. You don't know if you can trust. sometimes it or He doesn't seem real, especially when it hurts the most. especially when you just want to feel the arms of someone around you.

you don't know what to do. you have to decide. embrace the season, embrace the season giver or keep trying to fill the God spot with something else. you know there is a lesson to be learned in this but you are awful afraid to even think about what it is and what path it could lead you down if you just let go and embrace the intense lonlieness that you carry with you. its a quiet night and your heart hurts and your head hurts and you wonder where He is.

and you realize you just need to be real.