a kick in the butt

sometimes what you need is a kick in the butt. well at least thats what i need sometimes, don't know about you. with a culmination of every aspect of my life hitting the fan this week, i did what i haven't done in a long time. i fell apart. big time. i turned inward instead of upward. through some reading and a reminder text from a friend, i gave myself a kick in the butt and i'm back on track.

this best describes where i am and what it is exactly i'm thinking and feeling...

"In all those dark moments, O God, grant that I may understand that it is you who are painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance..."
-Teilhard de Chardin

something is happening way deep in my soul that i've been trying to put into words all week and haven't been successful in as of yet. in the process of figuring out who it is i am and allowing that to come forth, something bedded in my soul has to be pulled apart. its a God thing. He wants every piece of me. even the ugly hidden parts. the vulnerable, i can't give it up parts. He wants it all. and what amazes me is that he still wants me even when He knows what it is. He wants to get into the marrow of who i am. the thought of that sends shivers through my body. in order to have the marrow of my substance penetrated, i have to be willing to undergo the parting of fibers.

and thats the exact season i'm in. nothing explains it better for me. a season of waiting. gosh, i hate even admitting that. i don't wait well. i admit it. but theres a lesson for me in this. i will come out stronger. i have to come out stronger. and if i push through, i will be a better person, friend, sister, daughter, aunt, employee, co-worker, granddaugher.

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My heart is so shielded

but wants to be open

It cries out for you

but in fear turns and hides.

My soul longs for authenticity

and simplicity

I can't figure it out

Crazed, dazed, and confused instead.

I want to hear You.

I want to feel You.

I need to see You.

Feel the warmth of your embrace.

Feel the warmth of your love.

Hold me Jesus.

Let me know You're near

I need You.

You're confident

and courageous.

You're magnificent

and mighty.

Touch my heart

with your mercy and grace.