the need to write

So much has been roaming through my mind lately. I have so much to say but not sure I can put the thoughts into the words I want to express.

I've spent some time with my grandparents lately. I usually do the good grand daughter thing and stop by once a week or every other week. But they've needed me. Or maybe my mom has needed me more. You see, my grandparents are in their 90's. Now that's old. Really old. My mom has been the sole provider for everything they need. Doctor's appointments, Medicare, House repairs, Emergency room visits. I knew my grandpa wasn't doing well. Mom's time at their house has been increasing for awhile. He can barely walk and is slowly losing his mind. I knew he was losing it. But I had no idea about my grandma. Mom needed me to take her to the doctor and out to the grocery store. I saw a side of her that maybe I've just ignored the past few months. She will be 91 in a few weeks and for the first time I saw her as old, as dying. She couldn't step off of the sidewalk without help. She could barely sign her name on the check at the grocey store. It was completely eye awakening for me. I have been so forunate in life. I haven't had to deal with a lot of death. I've only experienced once what its like to lose someone close to me. The past few days have made me look at life. The process of life.

Today I was once again at my grandparents house. I had had a great day, actually a great weekend. I didn't want to be forced to deal with them. It's completely selfish, I know, but I just didn't have it in me. But my mom needed me. We went over and walked into my grandpa having a spell. He was shaking and pretty much going insane. My grandma doesn't know what to do when this happens. My mom walked in a pro. I on the other hand was a mess. I saw a side of mom that totally blew my mind. She was able to keep it together for one. But to be able to handle such difficult circumstances. To care for her parents in that way. I'm not sure I could do the same. I managed to make it to the car before I fell apart.

I've been thinking about and asking God a lot of questions about growing old and death. I guess I don't see the purpose in keeping my grandparents alive. They are miserable here on earth. They both know Jesus. They can't walk, think, or act in the right way. The simplest tasks are getting increasinly harder for them. I don't know understand God's will in this. Which leads to a scripture I read in church today about how we don't need to understand everything God does. and we don't need to counsel God on how we think things should go. That frustrates me in this area because it hurts so much to see them suffer. And not only them but my mom. And there's nothing I can do. I can help out when needed but thats about it. And I can pray but this time it doesn't seem like enough.